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I decided to write about this, not to rant, bitch, complain, etc..,but I would like to read about this, sometime in the future.

Every time I meet up with my friends, acquaintances, family etc..there's bound to be 1 similar question I get from them: "So what do you work as?"
I find that very much difficult to answer, because how should I categorize my job? Yes, it's stated in my offer letter that I am appointed as a Project Engineer, but in actual fact, my job scope comprises of workload far much more than that. And so, to avoid any confusion, I told them that I'm working for a Logistics company, as a Project Engineer, and then when I do mention the name of my company, 99% of them would go like, "Air, what?" or "Huh? I've never heard about it before." or some even worst, they show you this disgruntled face, like I'm working in some 'dirty' industry or something.

So I had to take the hassle, of having to explain to them, that my company has the transportation to carry heavy loads to the barges and I have to travel to Lumut, almost every week for meeting/operations. And then, come the next important question, which went like "Is there pay good?"

Whoa, that's like a very sensitive question because I don't know how to answer in a very impressive manner. So, most of the time, I would say, "It's enough for now." And what was heart-wrenching was, they would go "Eh, sure good pay one la. Travel here and there. Somemore sure stay hotel..nice one lah..must be good!"

I beg to differ.

So, here, is why I want to give a little insight on what's it like to be me.

When I'm outstation in Lumut for work, I'm put up in this not-too-shabby looking hotel in Sitiawan, which is enough to provide me shelter for as long as I'm here, but definitely not the resorts you see on advertisement boards about Tourism in Lumut/Sitiawan/Pangkor. When I was first placed here, I felt like they didn't treat me the way that I should be treated. I am after all, a Project Engineer, shouldn't I be placed in some place of higher class and not in the same accommodation as my subordinates? My managers and seniors are placed in the other hotel, which is priced slightly higher than the one I am in, and why don't I deserve the same?

Obviously, these mindsets are due to the "brought-up" and "exposure" I have from UTP, that as O&G engineers, we are expected to be treated equally well and paid handsomely.
Boy, it took me a couple of weeks to realize that we were no better than other graduates and if you are a fresh graduate, you have no experience, and thus, you are as important as the cleaner  mak cik to the company. Which means, if you don't want to work with them, then they can always hire another graduate from elsewhere.

Then, comes the 2nd part.

Whenever I go to the site/yard for operation,I am expected to don on my coveralls, safety equipments and walk under the hot sun/rain. Even though I'm being hired as a Project Engineer, and most Engineer I know works mainly in the offices, I have to be on site, all the time, if required. Engineers are expected to work hand in hand with the operators, dealing with the heavy equipments if there's lack of man power, but luckily, I am a female, thus the operators do not expect me to help operating the equipments. So, whenever I'm on site, my job is to walk about under the sun, observing the entire operation; basically be there whenever the operators are working as moral support.
So if you ask me, is my pay equivalent to the amount of work and time I contribute, it's up to you to define for me. I have to work in the office, doing engineering calculations and technical drawings, yet at the same time, be in the field during operations, with the subordinates.
You tell me.

Next, lunch/dinner is prepared by the supervisor during operation. What is usually in the polystyrene box could be Nasi Ayam, Nasi Paprik etc and also packets of sweet teh/sirap ais in big plastic bags, are transported to the site for us and subordinates. Usually, when we get our food from the boxes/plastic bags, you can see flies hovering on top of them, and definitely, not the kind of environment that many could endure.
If you've been to the site/yard, I can tell you, there are no proper tables/stools for you to eat on. The next best thing you probably can get, is the steel benches prepared for workers to take cig breaks, and so, most of the time, workers sit there, with flies hovering on our food, and trying to balance between our rice box and the packet drink with one hand, while scooping food into our mouths with the other.
And that's if you are lucky enough to get the lunch/dinner packed in boxes, I have been given lunch in newspaper-wrapped before.
And also, in the yard/site, you see stray dogs, coming near you, whenever you have food in your hands. So, technically, you have lunch/dinner with a group of sweaty dirty-looking workers, cheap taste Nasi Ayam (probably due to the bulk purchase!), sweetened fake-coloured ice tea, stray dogs, fleas and flies. And to sum all of them up, under the hot sun/heavy rain/drizzle.

Each time I have my meals on site, I would always have the same question in my mind: "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE?"

When I was young, my parents told me to study hard, so that in the future, I would be able to lead a comfortable life (drive big cars, live big homes, respectable career) but look now, this is not how it seems. Every time I put a facebook status complaint on my wall, my mum would tell me to stop whining and this is because I chose the job on my own basis. I have never told my parents about what I do in my work, because I don't know what's more devastating. 

To see my parents' crushed looks that their daughter is mingling with a bunch of blue-collar workers, or that I would be able to see a reflection of a useless fuck in their eyes.

Sometimes, I feel like whenever I am in KL, would I feel like it's solitude before going to the harsh working environment. Blame it on my ego, that I feel the need to camouflage my job description, but sometimes, I just want people to know, that I am like any other being, that I have the need to vent my frustrations. I know how bad it is to live in a loop of lies, but this is the only thing able to keep me sane. 
I wonder if Befrienders line is for real.